Loving Parenting

29 - Summary of Loving Parenting Podcast

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:57:48 GMT

The Grand Finale! This final episode presents a summary of the topics and takeaways from all of the episodes of the Loving Parenting podcast. Each topic is referenced to a particular episode number, so that you can easily find and listen to the episode that discusses that topic in more depth.

Thank you, dear listener, for listening to the episodes that I have presented. May G-d very soon have mercy on all of us, and show us His kindness in a pleasant way, as the verse says (Psalms 31:8), “I will exult and rejoice in Your kindness; that You have seen my affliction, You have known of the troubles of my soul.”

All the best to you and your family.

28 - What if your Child Blocks Communication

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:56:22 GMT

It is tragic for parents when a child blocks them from communicating with their child. How can you deal with this? Although you cannot control the situation, you can control your attitude. Begin with acceptance of the situation. Then, think of what you could do, if anything, to improve the situation. Finally, learn to feel empathy for your child - this episode gives ideas on how to do that, drawn from an excellent article at this website: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/estranged-from-your-adult-child-5-things-you-can-do/

Feeling empathy for your child can reduce your pain, and lead to greater understanding on your part.

27 - What if You See No Results from Your Efforts

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:54:54 GMT

What if you've followed all the good advice that you've gotten from this podcast and from counselors that you've consulted, and you still don't see any improvement in your relationship with your child? You might feel that your efforts are futile, but consider this: Your child might actually feel positively toward your efforts, but may not show it, especially if he lives far away from you. In any case, the love you feel for your child, when you keep acting loving toward her even though you see no results -- that is a pure and true love. It is an admirable and exemplary love, a selfless love that has no expectation of return on investment.

26 - How to Deal with Jealousy

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:53:21 GMT

Jealousy of other parents' children is something you might feel when you hear other parents bragging about their children, and you feel that your child doesn't measure up to the other parents' standards. To overcome these feelings of jealousy, (a) Realize that these parents may be exaggerating their children's good qualities, (b) Be very proud of yourself for the efforts that you've made to deeply and unconditionally love your child, and (c) Contemplate the very fine qualities that your child certainly has, and feel very proud of your child for having these qualities.

If one of these parents says to you, “I’m so thankful that my child is ...”, you can reply, “I’m so thankful that I have discovered such a deep love for my child.” You truly do have much to be thankful for!

25 - What if Your Child Blames You?

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:51:15 GMT

If your child blames you for poorly parenting him, you should empathize with him as much as you can. But you also have to evaluate what he is saying. On one hand, you sincerely made your best effort to parent your child in the best way that you knew how. On the other hand, you apparently did cause some lasting emotional harm to your child. How can you evaluate your contribution to this situation? Are you innocent or guilty, or both? The Torah provides guidance on how a person who killed another by accident should be dealt with. The case of the sincere parent is similar and analogous to the case of the accidental killer. This episode examines the analogy in detail and describes actions, derived from this analogy, that the parent can take to rectify the situation to the degree possible.

Link to King Menashe's prayer (which is referred to in this episode):

https://www.sefaria.org/Prayer_of_Manasseh.1?lang=bi

24 - Self Blame, A Common Challenge

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:49:38 GMT

Self-blame is what a parent might feel if he or she has difficulites with his or her child. It is natural to feel, 'I should have...', 'I could have....', etc., but this is wrong for two reasons. First, the way your child turned out is due largely to your own influence, but is also due to many other factors in your child's life. So, any negative qualities your child has are not due entirely to your influence. Second, remember that what you know and understand now about relating to people is a result of your experiences in life, including your experiences with your child. But you didn't know these things when your child was much younger, so don't blame yourself for what you didn't know at that time. Set aside fixed times to contemplate what you can do better, and the rest of the time, enjoy your life!

23 - Physical Touch

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:48:25 GMT

Physical touch is a powerful way of expressing love to your child. Physical touch is especially critical for infants and very young children. It makes them feel safe, secure, and loved. If a child, whose primary love language is physical touch, is in emotional pain, then holding him or her is the most important thing to do – it relieves the pain and heals the pain. If your child is feeling sad then hugging him shows that you care. If you find it difficult, just imagine how much your child needs your touch, and will appreciate your touch. This episode gives several examples of ways to show physical touch to your children in loving ways.

22 - Giving Gifts

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:47:07 GMT

Giving a gift to your child is a symbolic expression that means a lot. It gives your child the feeling that you were thinking of him, you remembered him. Gifts are a tangible way of showing love. You can give symbolic gifts that are not expensive. Be creative. For example, make your own greeting card that says “I love you” or a similar message. This episode gives several examples of gifts to give to your child. Give the gift, whatever it is, with warmth and generosity, so that your child feels that you really want to give this gift. If possible, personalize the gift.

21 - Quality Time

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:45:40 GMT

Quality time means doing an activity with your child that he enjoys, and giving him your full attention while doing that activity. Find out how your child feels and what she is thinking about, and connect with her emotionally. For children whose primary love language is quality time, spending quality time with them makes them feel really loved and appreciated. Ignoring your child or being preoccupied with something else while being with your child are especially hurtful. This episode gives examples of ways to spend quality time with your child so as to help him feel loved.

20 - Acts of Service

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:44:14 GMT

Acts of service include doing things to help another person with his tasks and responsibilities. Doing something to save time for that person, such as doing that person’s chores, would be especially appreciated. Broken commitments and making more work for the person are especially hurtful. This episode presents detailed examples of an act of service that creates a loving feeling, and a broken commitment that creates a hurt feeling. This episode gives guidelines on how to perform the acts of service so as to make your child feel loved.

19 - Words of Affirmation

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:42:54 GMT

Words of affirmation include saying affectionate, kind, encouraging, and supportive words such as sincere compliments, and saying “I love you”. Detailed statements of these types are especially appreciated. Insults are particularly hurtful. This episode presents some important guidelines on how to implement and deliver words of affirmation. Words of affirmation are a tremendous building block in a relationship, whether or not it is your child’s primary love language. It can actually improve your relationship with everyone in your life!

18 - The 5 Love Languages

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:40:58 GMT

To show love to your child in a way that he feels loved, you have to use your child's love language. The five love languages introduced by Gary Chapman in his book 'The 5 Love Languages' are: Words of affirmation, Quality time, Recieving gifts, Acts of service, and Physical touch. This episode stresses the vital importance of using the right love language. Otherwise, the child will not feel loved, even if you show love in a way that seems right to you. Brief descriptions of each of these languages are presented. Then, ways to figure out your preferred love language and your child's preferred love language are presented. Using the right love language can help you with all your relationships with other people!

17 - Identify and Treat Your Pain

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:38:33 GMT

The pain you feel due to difficulties with your child can be divided into two categories: self-centered and child-centered. This episode gives a simple test to help you sort out which of your pains belongs to each category. Self-centered pain is due to your own feelings about your situation. The feelings originate from you, so it is within your control to change your outlook so as to reduce this pain. A professional counselor can help you with this. Child-centered pain is due to the child's own situation and behavior. You cannot change another person, e.g. your child, but you can channel your pain into helping others who are in pain. Several suggestions are presented on ways that you can use your pain to help others.

16 - Relax with Guided Imagery

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:35:06 GMT

Four guided imagery meditations with soothing background music are presented to help troubled parents relax and feel more calm about their situations. The meditations are from Torah sources including the daily morning prayers, Psalms, and Tanya, the foundational Chabad Chassidic work. The selections are:

1. 'Closeness to G-d' is about feeling the warmth of G-d’s presence even in the rough parts of life’s journeys.

2. “G-d’s Miracle” describes how the functioning of the human body is a miracle, and how the body was created with so much wisdom.

3. “The Breath of Life” is about what makes us alive. It describes the soul’s journey before, during, and after one’s life.

4. “Safety with G-d”, tells how to feel confident even when faced with challenges. Sometimes one’s problems seem as mighty as immovable mountains!

15 - Take Good Care of Yourself

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:33:07 GMT

It is vitally important that you take good care of yourself, both physically and emotionally, so that you can be the best parent you can be to your child. Physically, make sure you get enough sleep and enough nutritious food so that you can think clearly. Emotionally, identify the negative emotions that you have, and plan how to deal with them. 'The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook' by Edmund J. Bourne, PhD is a great resource that can help with this. Identify your positive thoughts and actions, and record them in a 'growth notebook' that you can refer to when you need encouragement. It will show you how much you have grown and accomplisihed!

14 - Hagar and Ishmael - A Negative Example

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:27:45 GMT

A negative role model can motivate you when you feel dejected about your relationship with your child. Hagar was traveling with her son Ishmael, and carried with her some food and water. Ishmael was sick, and finished drinking all of the water. Hagar placed her son in the shade of a bush, and walked away from him saying, 'Let me not see the death of the child.' Instead of abandoning him, she could have stayed with him and given him emotional support. If you feel discouraged about the prospects for improving your relationship with your child, think about how Hagar just walked away from her troubled son, and realize that you just cannot follow that example and give up on improving your relationship with your child. Hagar's behavior in this situation serves as an example to NOT follow.

13 - Matriarch Rachel and her Wayward Descendants

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:25:53 GMT

Matriarch Rachel cries over her wayward descendants that passed by her gravesite near Bethlehem on their way into exile in Babylonia. These descendants were going into exile because of their persistent sinful behavior such as placing an idol in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. As her descendants passed by her gravesite, her soul cried for them, and she prayed to G-d to have mercy on them. For the sake of these wayward descendants, her soul consented to be buried near Bethlehem instead of in the Cave of Machpelah in Hebron, where all the other Patriarchs and Matriarchs of the Jewish people are buried. This episode describes the main events in Matriarch Rachel's life, and presents the prophet Jeremiah's comforting message to her. It concludes with the ways we can emulate Matriarch Rachel's devotion to her descendants.

12 - King Hezekiah and his Son Menashe

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:24:09 GMT

King Hezekiah was deeply devoted to his son Menashe in spite of the anguish that Menashe caused him. Menashe did several things that caused his father much grief, including showng an intense attraction to idol worship even as a young child. In spite of this, King Hezekiah exerted himself greatly to educate Menashe according to the right path of Torah. This episode discusses the difficulties that King Hezekiah faced, how he dealt with these difficulties, and the takeaways that we can derive from the way he dealt with his difficulties.

11 - King David and his Son Absalom

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:21:52 GMT

King David deeply loved his son Absalom in spite of the anguish that Absalom caused him. Absalom did several things that caused his father much grief, including declaring himself king during his father's lifetime. In spite of this, King David deeply loved his son Absalom, and mourned intensely when Absalom was killed. This episode discusses the difficulties that King David faced, how he dealt with these difficulties, and the takeaways that we can derive from the way he dealt with his difficulties.

10 - Concepts for Sanity Summary

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 06 Nov 2022 02:19:39 GMT

A summary of all prior episodes is presented. Episode 10 briefly summarizes the key points presented in each of one of Episodes 1 through 9, as well as the train of thought that links one episode to the next. The epsiode number of each of these prior episodes is mentioned in connection with its summary, so that if a particular topic interests you, you can review that episode to get its full details.

9 - Empathy for Your Child

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 23:13:55 GMT

Several ideas for feeling empathy for your child are presented. If you can empathize with your child's challenges and turmoil, then you will feel kindlier and more sympathetic toward your child, and you will also not be so offended by your child's behavior. One of the main ideas presented is that some concepts are easy for you, as a parent, to grasp but which are very difficult for your child to grasp since he does not have the maturity and wisdom that you have. Another main idea is to realize that your child is doing the best that she can at this point in her life, just as you are doing the best that you can at this point in your life.

8 - Personality Mismatch - Nobody's Fault

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 23:12:19 GMT

Conflict caused by personality mismatch greatly degrades the relationship between parent and child. Many examples of personality mismatch are presented. Realizing that the mismatch is nobody's fault helps you feel more calm about the relationship. Identifying the nature of your mismatch helps you to get more effective help with your particular situation.

7 - Goal Versus Direction in Relationships

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 23:10:11 GMT

Your goal is not your destination; rather, it defines your direction. Regarding your relationship with your child, you have an idea about how you'd like the relationship to be. But you can't change your child to make him or her fit that vision. Instead, plan a strategy on how to advance from the present situation toward that goal. Do whatever you can to progress toward that goal. Your effort is precious, and is more important than how far you advance toward the goal.

6 - What Does "Frum" Really Mean?

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 01:00:42 GMT

Take a deeper look at the meaning of 'Frum'. The literal meaning refers to the diligent observance of Jewish religious laws. The deeper meaning is a sincere service of G-d. We cannot evaluate the quality of another person's service of G-d, so we cannot judge another person. If your child does not meet your standards, realize that he definitely has his own unique way of connecting with G-d. Several examples of such a phenomenon are presented. Non-Jews can extrapolate this message to their own method of worship.

5 - Going Beyond One's Comfort Zone

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 00:57:48 GMT

Benefits of a growth mindset -- going beyond your comfort zone -- are presented. You need to go beyond your comfort zone in order to make any changes to the current situation. Take one small step at a time beyond your comfort zone. This appproach is feasible and sustainable. When you do as much as you can, then G-d helps you do the rest. An example is presented of Moshe (Moses) building the mishkan (Tabernacle), whose walls were too big for a human to lift. Moshe did what he could, and G-d did the rest.

4 - What is Success?

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 01 Nov 2022 00:55:36 GMT

Find out the true definition of success. According to the true definition, success is attainable by anyone! It just depends on your efforts. For example, who is rich? Not someone who has a large balance in his bank account, but rather, someone who is happy with what he has. Similarly with all other aspects of success, including success in raising children. It's a guarantee: you can be truly successful.

3 - Why even try to improve the relationship?

Naomi Zirkind — Sun, 30 Oct 2022 03:00:10 GMT

Motivation for improving your relationship with your child is presented. It really is hard work to improve a relationship, and if you don’t see results right away, it can be very discouraging. You might be thinking, “What’s the point of all this effort – why even try to improve the relationship?” This episode, gives you encoragement and motivation for putting in the effort to improve your relationship with your child.

2 - Affirmation for Parents

Naomi Zirkind — Wed, 26 Oct 2022 00:52:28 GMT

If you sincerely make your best effort in raising your child and in
interacting with him or her, then you can be confident that G-d is
pleased with your efforts, and that is what really matters. Stories from
the Torah about Kayin and Hevel (Cain and Abel), and about Yosef
(Joseph) and his brothers, show that sincere effort is what matters,
even more than the results of your effort!

1 - Loving Parenting Overview

Naomi Zirkind — Tue, 25 Oct 2022 02:28:16 GMT

The the importance of taking care of yourself so that you can best support your child. Overview of the main topics discussed in future episodes.

The main theme of the podcast is: Improve your relationships by going beyond your comfort zone, one small step at a time.

Comments, feedback, questions, and suggestions for topics are welcome at lovingparenting123@gmail.com.